In Which a New Couch is Required
by Insanity Renaissance
Summary: Being a spy in the Varia is never a good idea. However, it isn't until an aspiring psychologist is stuck as their secretary with the secret agenda of mentally evaulating the Varia's commanders (and their boss) under direct orders of Nono does she realize just how bad of an idea it really is. Eventual XOC
1. London Calling

**A/N: **O.K., I've always wanted to write one of these. It's a XanxusxOC story, so if you don't like those kind of stories, don't read it. But it's not one of those "oh she's amazingateverything and xanxus totally fallsinlove at firstsight andicant spell or use proper grammar to save my life" kind of stories. Nu-uh. I do not own KHR, or else this would totally happen in the manga. Jezebel's temper and abilities was inspired by Shizuo from Durarara!, because that series is amazing and I love Shizuo to itty bitty pieces. And just to let you know, this takes place after the Varia Arc and before the Future Arc.

**Summary: **Most therapists have their patients sit on couches. But when you're an aspiring psychologist employed as a secretary for the most feared mafia assassin group in the world, you find it's more useful to throw said couches at your patients. XOC

* * *

><p><strong>In Which a New Couch is Required<strong>

**Chapter I : London Calling  
><strong>

Timoteo was had a problem.

As Vongola Nono, he had problems on a daily basis. After all, he was the ninth leader of the most powerful and legendary mafia family since its creation four centuries ago. And since he was an accomplished leader, he was able to handle these problems with care and a calm attitude.

But this problem was bigger than most.

What, you have to ask, would be such a big problem for Vongola Nono? After all, he spent the majority of his life training for and dealing with almost every possible situation that could plague him and his family. But of course, you can't be prepared for everything that comes down the road. Especially when what comes down on the road is the Varia.

Yep, that was his problem. The _Varia_. The Vongola's independent assassination squad, feared by all who know anything about the mafia. The mafia group that mafia moms tell their little mafia girls and little mafia boys mafia stories about to make sure they go to mafia sleep. And with the leader of the Varia being his rebellious adopted son, Xanxus (whom he actually had to freeze in ice for a considerable amount of time when he tried to overthrown the Ninth), the situation only got worse. It was bad enough that Xanxus hated Timoteo for never saying he was an adopted son and couldn't inherit the family, but now he actively wanted Sawada Tsunayoshi, candidate for being Vongola Decimo, dead. More precisely, he wished to see Tsuna's head presented to him on a silver platter by his ever-so-loyal subordinates.

It was this rather major problem that plagued the Ninth Vongola boss so much it kept him up at night, convincing him to leave his hotel room in London, England (he was there for business) to go for a walk at an ungodly hour in the morning, contemplating how best to deal with the situation. Which of course brought him to the present, sitting down on a slightly damp bench in Burgess Park, overlooking a small lake. It was peaceful, and Timoteo was glad that he had decided to abandon his bodyguard, who were no doubt scrambling around like idiots now that he disappeared. It was impossible to think clearly with them around.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps and slightly heavy breathing. _'A late-night jogger, perhaps?'_ He thought to himself, tensing out of habit. He looked behind him as the jogger approached, growing from a silhouette in the darkness into a full figure. An amused smile graced his lips as the young woman dumped herself on the bench next to him, too absorbed in her music to notice his presence. Grabbing a bottle of water she had in a small bag strapped to her back, she drank in small sips. It wasn't until she was almost done refreshing herself that the woman noticed she was being stared at.

"Oh." The young woman obvious cared little for her appearance. She wore baggy cotton pants and a sweatshirt that all but hid her gender, her short, oddly silver hair in disheveled spikes, looking more like she never bothered to do it rather than the stylized fashion of Timoteo's grandson-like heir Tsuna's hair. "I'm sorry sir, am I disturbing you?"

"Oh no, not at all," The mafia boss replied in perfect English with a carefree smile that only the elderly could pull off. "How could a the presence of a young lady disturb an old man such as myself?" The stranger reddened slightly at his compliment, and smiled slightly as he continued, looking out onto the pond again. "I was just taking a moment to enjoy the night air and relax."

"You do seem stressed," The young woman commented, taking out her earbuds and leaning forward with slight interest. Timoteo raised an eyebrow, mildly impressed at her intuition. "Tapping fingers, tense muscles, ground teeth. And someone you're age up and about this hour? Looks like you're more stressed than you'd like to admit." His friendly stare didn't change, but he instantly went alert. _'Who is this girl?'_

Despite his attempts, though, she seemed to notice his suspicion and apologized. "Sorry, didn't mean to pry. Can't help it." She scratched the back of her head as she laughed sheepishly. "Jezebel Periwinkle Maddox, currently studying psychology." She introduced herself, extending a hand to shake. _'Perwinkle? Interesting middle name.'_

"It seems to be a field well-suited for you, Ms. Maddox" He informed her, making her grin as he shook her hand. "Timoteo Vongola. I'm sure you're professors would be impressed." When she heard his last comment, her smile faltered for a moment, but long enough for Timoteo to notice. "Something wrong?"

"I don't have any professors yet," She replied, looking slightly disappointed in herself. "I haven't been able to find a university with the courses I want that I can afford. And since my dad just got laid off, there's no way I can go to my parents for money, and there's no way in _hell _I will ever ask my _scumbag_ brother..." She quickly realized she was rambling and stopped, but knew the deed was done. "Well, that's my problem. What about yours?"

Timoteo chuckled softly. Sharing troubles? He could do that. "My only surviving son and I haven't been getting along since he found out he was adopted, which was many years ago.." He informed her, sounding more depressed about it than he intended. Well, at least he had left out the details. "My other two... died in accidents. And since he doesn't fit the quota for succession, I can't make him my heir. So now he's rebelling against me." He didn't have to look at her to feel her gaze of sympathy as he continued, staring out onto the water. "I just wish I could figure out what I could do to ease his anger and hatred towards me." He heard a rustle of clothing and a few footsteps, and before he knew it, the silver-haired teenager (he realized now she was only about nineteen or so, though she looked to be in her early twenties) was sitting next to him, patting his shoulder reassuringly.

"Sounds like you're going through a lot," She commented, staring at the water with him before leaning back and looking up. "But that's life, isn't it? It seems that no matter how much you go through, there's always _something_ that can screw things up. As an aspiring psychologist, I would suggest you 'talk things out with your son,' but it sounds like he's been harboring a grudge against you for _years_. So talking isn't going to work at this point. In fact, I would say that there's nothing you could do but-" She stopped as they both heard voices approaching, and turned their heads. A group of young men, seemingly ranging from mid twenties to early-thirties, staggered through the park, obviously on their way home from a night a pub getting completely smashed. Timoteo was going to turn around and ignore them when they noticed Jezebel.

"Oi! Tart!" They jeered, trying to get her attention. "When you're done getting off on that geezer John of yours, 'ow 'bout you get over here and give us a good shag!" Timoteo frowned, noticing Jezebel bristle as she turned back around and ignored their whoops and catcalls. "Come on, ya shlapper!" As they approached, the mafia boss was tempted to rise up and show the boys their place, but was slightly concerned about scaring the young girl he had just met. His attention went from the group to Jezebel as the rose to her feet, speaking to him in an unusually calm voice.

"Mr. Vongola," She requested politely. "Would you mind standing up for a moment?" Slightly surprised at her request, he rose from his seat, leaning slightly on his cane as any proper old man should. "Thank you."

"Oh, looksh like she does want to get shome!" One of the men commented, advancing towards her. He was almost in the teenager's face when she spoke, her voice a quiet mumble.

"What was that? I couldn't hear ya!" His breath reeked of bad alcohol, which he probably had been consuming since the evening.

"I said..." Her voice was louder as she gripped the sides of the park bench she and Timoteo were using. The man stopped moving when he heard the creak and groans of metal being strained, looking down to see the metal of the bench twisting under her tight grip. The Ninth watched in barely contained amusement and amazement as the petite girl proceeded to pick up the bench and hold it over her head. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A WHORE, YOU WANKERS!" Furious, she proceeded to throw the bench at the man before her, who screamed and ran back to the group. Unfortunately for them, they forgot to take into account that if thrown hard enough, a park bench _will_ bounce and roll, and were hit like bowling pins by what was once a usable park bench. A few of them managed to rise with only minor injuries, only to have to deal with another bench being thrown, as well as a large rock and the lamp of a street light. To be honest, Timoteo was impressed with the speed of Jezebel's movements; it was no sooner that she had thrown one object then she was already reaching for another.

Ten minutes, three park benches, one tree, and one street light later, and the group of drunk hecklers were now, without a doubt, completely unconscious and probably in need of some hospitalization. And standing above their slightly bruised and broken bodies, chest rising and lowering with each heavy breath, was one Jezebel just beginning to calm down. Wiping her forehead, she had almost forgotten that Vongola Nono was there when he spoke.

"Impressive," He commented, startling Jezebel. "Very impressive." Her anger quickly dissipated as fear and worry set in.

"Oh god," She said, realizing that she had snapped in front of him. "I-I'm so sorry. i didn't mean to- i just kind of- I'm usually not this bad, honest. it's just that today's been a really bad day for me and-" Timoteo raised a hand and she quickly shut up.

"It's not a problem at all," He informed her. "I was tempted to do something worse to them, anyway." For a moment she did nothing, merely staring at the elder gentlemen with a befuddled expression on her face. But before she could ask a question, he opened up his cell phone and said a few words in Italian before closing it again. Looking again at the confused girl as she crouched down to poke at one of the men she had beaten, the gears in the capofamiglia's head churned. The girl's use of brute strength was quite astonishing, considering that she seemed to have no combat experience whatsoever. Definitely not mafia (or she would have reacted to his name), she was, without a doubt, just an ordinary civilian, despite her skills. But she could be _incredibly_ useful.

"Ms. Maddox," He called, getting her attention. She looked up and rose to her full height. "I have a proposition to make, if you're interested." Curious, she stepped over the unconscious bodies and made her way over to Timoteo.

"Proposition?" She sounded skeptical and a bit suspicious, and given what just occurred, she had every reason to be.

"Yes indeed, one that will benefit both of us," He continued. "If we both work together, I believe that we can not only solve my problem, but yours as well." She quickly knew what he was talking about.

"You want me to help your son?" The idea seemed to interest her, so he went on.

"Yes, but I'm afraid he's not the kind of person you can just talk to," The man sighed, suddenly feeling tired again as he began to walk, Jezebel joining him. "He has a bit of a temper you see, and is not prone to seeing reason in things. I imagine he and his associates will be very difficult to deal with, but you seem to be the type of person that can handle that kind of thing. And despite how I may seem, I do have a considerable amount of money, and I'd be more than willing to cover the fees for your tuition." He looked at her and smiled. "So, how about it? Care to assist me with my son?"

"Sounds interesting," Jezebel remarked, slipping her arm through Timoteo's so he could put some weight on her, easing the strain on his legs. _'My, she _is_ attentive, isn't she?'_ "But why not just hire an actual professional therapist for him? Wouldn't that be much more reliable?" At this, he couldn't help but chuckle.

"Actually, no," The elderly man replied. "He's the kind of person that would do much better with someone of his... age."

"So you're saying that his ill temper occasionally leads to violence, there for you want someone such as myself to be able to handle it."

"A bit, yes. You caught me there." As they reached the street, a black limo pulled up and quickly opened as the Ninth's Storm Guardian emerged, any sign of worry covered by a cool, composed mask.

"Nono," He said, smoothly gesturing into the interior of the long vehicle. With a smile, Timoteo nodded at his Guardian as he got inside.

"Thank you for picking us up, Coyote." He offered his hand to Jezebel, "Interested in my offer, Ms. Jezebel Periwinkle Maddox?" For a moment, she watched him with an unreadable expression, before shrugging and entering the limo, shaking the Ninth's hand. She seemed to catch on that there was more to the situation then Timoteo was revealing, but nevertheless, was not interesting in passing up the offer to pursue her dream.

"I'm in." The boss smiled, delighted that she had accepted. For once, it seemed as if there was hope for him repairing his relationship with the only son he had left and giving the boy some chance at moving on. After all, whether Xanxus liked it or not, he was Timoteo's son, and as a father, Vongola Nono wanted nothing more for his son than happiness.

"So, Ms. Maddox, what do you know about the mafia?"

"... _what?_"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **And chapter 1 is done~! Liked it? Hated it? Reviews are welcome and greatly encouraged. Just remember: as much as you wish, you're not a member of the mafia. You can't use your Dying Will as a weapon. So no flames.


	2. Devil's Castle Varia

**THIS A/N IS LONG TO THE EXTREME: **I am kinda freaking out with all the reaction I've gotten from starting this story. I mean, _damn_. I really didn't expect anyone to really notice this story, but I've been getting a bunch of positive reactions. WOO HOO~! So I must extend my thanks to The ParadoxicalOtaku, Roseko-chan, kat716, Saskue's-Killer112, Ieena456, xXxIRISxXx, HelloDoomsday, TheLazyOtakuWithTooMuchTime, MoonliteNite, MewKew, and le Derp. ME GUSTA for favoriting/subscribing to this story, and givemehugs, PosionApple911, kuroistubasa24, MewKew, le Derp. ME GUSTA, and Swanfrost15 for reviewing my story. You people have made my day.

Now for business: **FIRST** – KHR! is not owned by me, or I'd be rich and this would be a chapter in the manga, not a fanfiction, and there'd be a lot more pairings in the series.

**#2** – Speaking of pairings, I was thinking of including some in this story. Just to let you know, this fanfiction will be featuring almost all of the KHR! cast, from Tsuna and his Guardians to Giotto and his Guardians to the Six Funeral Wreaths and beyond, and maybe even a few OC's. Why, you my ask? Because I just spent my wifi-free study hall in school making up _ridiculous_ nicknames for practically every character in this series. Yes, I had _that_ much free time. Anyway, suggestions for pairings is welcome, because any one of them would be fun to write because they're all dysfunctional.

**THIRD:** Chapters from here on out will be featuring bits or Italian, bits of Japanese, and/or bits of English slang (by English, I mean British English). So I'll post translations/definitions at the beginning of each chapter.

**Note 4: **I'm bumping the rating up for this story. Because I'd like to include some gruesome violence, and they swear a lot, and there might be sexual themes. Just throwing that out there.

**V:** Whoever gets the reference for the title of this chapter is amazing (or at least more amazing than usual).

_**And on a final note:**_ What does "Xanxus" spell when you take out the two "X's" in his name? I extend my thanks to Metamocry, whose R27 tale "The Forgotten Time" has recently taken up a large portion of my time and is the source of that amazing little joke.

**Oh but I almost forgot:** Today's inspiration for Jezebel's personality comes from Hancock, played by Will Smith in the movie _Hancock_. If you've seen the movie, you'll notice the similarity between the two.

Autobots, Roll out!

_signorina_ - young woman

_sorellina_ – little sister

_puttana - _whore

* * *

><p><strong>In Which a New Couch is Required<strong>

**Chapter II : Devil's Castle Varia**

Standing outside the large wooden doors of the legendary Varia mansion, Jezebel was half-convinced that what she was about to do right now was a _very_ bad idea. It had been only a mere two weeks since she had accepted the offer that Vongola Nono, Timoteo, had offered her, and those fourteen days had been filled with her learning about the mafia world and how it worked. The amount of information she was forced to process in the time allowed was astounding, but all of it was required if she was going to survive even a day working for the legendary assassination squad. To say she wasn't scared would be lying; she was downright terrified of entering the building, especially with the looks of pity that Nono's Guardians gave her as she bid them all farewell (they had been the ones to teach her about the mafia in the first place, and she got along rather pleasantly with them), almost as if they would never see her again. And with all the things she heard about the Varia... she shuddered for a moment, before remembering the reason she accepted this job in the first place.

"For education." She muttered, wishing for a small moment that her dream wasn't as important to her as it really was. If Timoteo had offered anything less than paying all of her expenses for college, she would have refused him in an instant. Who in their right mind wouldn't? After all, he wanted her to work as their secretary. Not therapist (as the group would instantly reject her and/or make several attempts on her life), as that would result in chaos, but _secretary_. To a group of _assassins_. But the offer was too good to give up, and something about the man made her want to help him. Probably that damned charisma of his that he naturally possessed as a boss of the Vongola. But what's done is done, and there was no turning back now. She could only move forward. And hopefully sideways enough to dodge things.

Taking a deep breath, the teenager placed the few bags she had on the ground, pulling out a letter and knocking on the door. She could only pray that they had already received the notice of her arrival.

Jezebel's prayers had actually been answered; the Varia had indeed received the letter pertaining to her employment at the mansion, but unfortunately, they had only received it the afternoon of her arrival. To further elaborate on the matter, it is necessary to rewind to about an hour before her knocking on the door:

* * *

><p><em>One hour earlier<em>

"Ushishishi, why must the prince fetch the mail?" Belphegor, also known as Prince the Ripper, commented as he entered one of the main lounging rooms, holding a small stack of letters in his hand. "I should not be doing peasant's work."

"Because, Bel, I fetched it last time," Lussuria replied, "And we're not going to _pay_ Mammon to do it." The baby in question merely floated past as Squalo rose from his reclining chair, snatching the mail right from Bel's hand. The prince, however, didn't seem to mind, and made himself comfortable on the couch.

"Trash," Squalo remarked, tossing a letter in the air. "Trash. Scum. Trash for Levi. Trash. Trash from the Ninth-" He froze when he realized what he just said, snatching the letter from the air (as he had in fact thrown it). The rest of the Varia in the room quickly looked up, even Leviathan, who had been trying to open the envelope meant for him that Squalo had thrown at him. Opening the letter quickly, his eyes went over the contents as he read, muttering the words under his breath. When he reached the end, his grip on the letter tightened, almost to the point of ripping it.

"VOIIIIII! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!" The rest of the Varia scrambled over, trying to read over Squalo's shoulder all at the same time, which, given the _lovely_ sense of cooperation that the group _always_ displayed, resulting in Squalo almost getting smothered. "VOII WILL YOU TRASH LET ME READ IT OUT LOUD?" This of course, caused them to stop. Clearing his throat, Squalo proceeded to read the letter from Vongola Nono out loud, trying to be as calm as possible.

* * *

><p><em>To the Varia,<em>

_It has come to my attention that your group has been having some trouble keeping your records. In order to encourage better management skills, I have sent over a recent acquaintance of mine, a young girl by the name of Jezebel Periwinkle Maddox. She is rather capable and will be working as your secretary until you reach the point where you are able to handle your paperwork and financial affairs on your own. Please treat her with the kindness and respect that a guest deserves. She shall be arriving at around two in the afternoon on the fourteenth of this month. Please note that I will be _**extremely**_ disappointed in all of you if she winds up dead or mutilated in some horrible way._

_Sincerely,_

_Timoteo, Vongola Nono_

* * *

><p>The group remained frozen for a moment, trying to process the information that they had just been made aware of. After all, the letter was legitimate, bearing the Sky Flame that Timoteo always used to validate his letters. Then, of course, began the various, classic Varia reactions.<p>

"VOOOIIIIIII!" Squalo shouted in his usual loud manner, looking extremely annoyed by the situation. "What the hell does the Ninth think he's doing!"

"Ushishishishi, who does this peasant think she is?" Bel pulled out his knives, twirling them in his fingertips. "I can't wait to run her through."

"Ooo~" Lussuria seemed to be the only one actually excited about the new addition to the Varia, even if it seemed that her only use would be paperwork. Though, knowing Lussuria, it was probably because she was a girl and now she didn't have to feel as lonely as before.

"I won't let her seduce the boss!" Levi, one of the most forgotten (and the most loyal) member of the Varia exclaimed. He seemed quite convinced that the presence of this "woman" would defile his boss (despite his boss's personality and capabilities). "I will kill her before she steps one inch into this building."

"This better not be coming out of my salary," Was Mammon's only response, as he was only really concerned about is income (as usual). "And she better not screw up our finances."

"VOIII WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SALARY!" Squalo shouted at the floating illusionist, pulling out his swords. Seeing that there was a fight on the way, Bel grinned one of his classic Ripper smiles and readied his knives with an "Ushishishi"

"Squalo-chan~" Lussuria attempted to intervene in the situation as she noticed the time. "Don't you think we shoul-"

"Scum." A deep, smooth, and rather angry voice cut through the chaotic din that was the Varia, and all five members stopped in their tracks, looking at the source. Standing in the doorway that opened into the rather spacious room of the mansion was none other than the legendary Xanxus, feared by all as the leader of the Varia assassination squad. And damn, did he look _pissed_. "What the fuck is all this noise about."

"VOIIII! SHITTY BOS-" Squalo's shout was cut short as a shot glass went flying at him, making direct contact with his skull and sending him crashing to the floor.

"Boss, we got a letter from the Ninth~!" Lussuria seemed to be the only one calm enough to manage a civilized conversation with his leader, as Bel was too busy chuckling to himself, Mammon had all but left the room, and Levi was smoothing out Xanxus's chair in the loving way that only Levi could. Xanxus ignored his Lightning Guardian and sat down, Lussuria handing him the letter. For a moment, there was nothing but uncomfortable silence as the would-be candidate for the Vongola family inheritance read the letter sent to the Varia. He finished the letter and still said nothing, but his hand crumpled the letter into a ball as his flames of Wrath emerged from his hand, burning the letter to ashes. The rest of the squad said nothing; it was a bad idea to mess with Xanxus when he was this pissed.

"What time is it." It was not a question; it was a demand. The squad was hesitant in replying, but Bel spoke first.

"Ushishishi, it's 1:24," He informed his leader, looking up at the clock on the far wall.

"VOIIIII WE HAVE ONLY A HALF AN HO-" Once again, Squalo was unable to completely finish his sentence as another glass from god-knows-where was thrown violently, once again hitting him on the head.

"Trash." And thus, the mad Varia scramble begun, which of course brings us to our current moment in time, with Jezebel contemplating how far she could get if she turned around and ran for it. Maybe she would get out of range of whatever they'd attack her with before the door opened and the Varia realized that they got ding-dong-ditc-

"Please, come in," The massive, ornate oak doors opened, revealing what looked like to be a rather normal member of the staff in charge of maintaining the mansion and massive estate. It took a moment to realize that he was speaking in Italian; she never actually learned the language, but Timoteo had her injected with _something_ that made her able to understand it. He had also insisted she get a shot for Japanese as well, but she couldn't imagine why. More of she didn't care. She _hated _needles.

With a polite nod, the new Varia secretary picked up her bags and stepped inside, taking a moment to look at her surroundings. And the more she looked, the more she had to resist the urge to open her mouth in awe. To the Varia, living in the mansion was no big deal, but to Jezebel, whose life had been middle-class on good days and dirt poor on bad ones (and had gone through homelessness several times), the Varia mansion was a work of art in itself. Words could not even begin to describe how beautiful the mansion was to her, and she realized, for the first time, just how _obscenely_ rich the Vongola family was. _'Daaaaaammmmnnn...'_

"Ma'am, a member of the Varia will be here to receive you shortly." She was quickly brought back to Earth as she realized she wasn't actually alone in the massive foyer, and reddened slightly with embarrassment. The manservant, however, merely gave her a look of what she _knew_ was pity and picked up her bags. "I will take care of these." Jezebel could only nod, not trusting herself to sound sane if she spoke. The servant then disappeared into one of the grandiose halls, leaving the teenager alone with her thoughts.

_'Maybe these Varia people are actually really nice?' _Jezebel thought for a moment, hopeful. However, the logical (and more cynical) part of her brain answered the question for her. _'Yes,because people who kill others for a living (and have done it probably since a young age) are _totally_ happy-go-lucky and are eager for friendship. Maybe you can make flower wreaths together when they're _**not**_ brutally slaughtering others!'_ Considering this was her first day on the job, it was important not to do anything too reckless or improper in front of her new employers. Especially when they were all assassins.

**Goal: **_Don't piss of the crazy people_. **Status: **_in progress_

Realizing how hard this was going to be, and just how high her chances of getting killed on the job were, Jezebel's legs felt a bit too heavy to be comfortable, and the silver-haired teen looked around for a place to sit. She had just spotted a chair and was about to go and sit down when-

"Ushishishishi, is this the peasant we're supposed to be getting today?" A voice called out, sending shivers up her spine in a not-so-friendly way. For a moment, she didn't move, frozen in place, but after a second's pause, the newly hired (at least she hoped) secretary turned around to see a boy sitting on the rails of the upper-level balcony. He seemed to be only a few years younger than herself, but nonetheless, he was quite intimidating. It wasn't the fact that the boy's blond hair covered his eyes so she was unable to see them that worried Jezebel. Nor was it the fact his thin fingers clutched a few pairs of knives (though this was something that alarmed her). No, it was his smile. Because that, she knew, was a classic "psycho-killer" smile, one that she'd seen so many times on her favorite TV shows and movies, but never in real life. And given the dangerous glint of his blades, the chance this boy was acting was slim-to-none. "The prince is not impressed."

_'My first job and I already get the crazies!' _She couldn't help but think, watching him carefully through her glasses in case this strange lad decided to throw the weapons in his hands at her. Which is probably why he had them out in the first place. The boy in question jumped off the railing, landing on the first floor, much to the shock of his target. _'THAT JUMP WAS INHUMAN!'_ She mentally screamed, remaining as still as possible as she struggled to get polite smile on her face. _'WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO!'_ Her flight-or-fight instincts were beginning to kick in, and currently, dropping all her stuff and screaming as she ran for her life was beginning to look _pretty_ good.

"Not much to look at," This comment, rather than strike fear into the nineteen-year-old girl, actually made her irritable. Well of course she wasn't much to look at! After all, she hadn't bothered to "doll" herself up a bit (much to the disappointment of Timoteo, who insisted that she was pretty if she just _tried_ to take care of herself). Her hair was unkempt to the point where you could barely see her eyes, and she wore nothing more than her favored running shoes, slacks, a t-shirt, and a thin hooded jacket. In fact, she had chosen her clothes specially so that she wouldn't be hindered much if she had to run for it (which, seeing how well the situation was at the moment, was a likely possibility).

"I'm not here to look pretty," She replied icily, grinding her teeth as she mentally berated herself for her tone and choice of words. _'Yes, snap at the crazy person who is armed and clearly dangerous!' _"I'm here to do my job." _'He's crazy. And wearing a tiara. A freaking tiara. A pretty tiara, but nonetheless, a tiara. And he referred to himself as 'prince.' What is wrong with this boy?'_

"Oo~!" A new voice called out before Bel had the chance to respond and/or kill Jezebel. "Bel, you should have told me our guest is here~!" And in walked, no _sauntered_ probably one of the most flamboyant people the aspiring psychologist had ever encountered. His hair almost all buzz-cut, except for a section that was draped over his face and dyed _green_. _Bright green_. Despite the fact they were indoors, the man also wore a pair of black sunglasses. His trench coat, for some reason, was lined with dark orange fur. "It's so nice to meet you, _signorina_!" He kissed both of her cheeks as she remained frozen, not sure whether to be happy that his man seemed not to want to kill her, or to just freak out anyway. After a few moment's contemplation, she decided that the former was better than the latter.

"Umm.. it's very nice to meet you?" She was unsure how to respond to the newcomer's overly-flamboyant attitude, but it was much better than dealing with Jack the Ripper over there, who still seemed to be interested in gutting her, judging from the look on his face.

"Ushishishi, I still say we kill her," _'I knew it! He _**was**_ contemplating my demise!' _"She has no use to us."

"Aww, but I want to keep her~!" He grabbed Jezebel into a bone-crushing hug while spinning her around, making her gasp in pain as she was sure her ribs were breaking. "She's _adorable_. And I don't like being the only lady here."

_'I'm _**what**_?'_ Personally, she wasn't a fan of words like "cute" and "adorable" being associated with her, but in this case, she was glad he hadn't used another adjective like "tasty" or "guttable" (if the latter was even a real word). _'Grin and bear it grin and bear it..' _After a few moments of struggling, she managed to free herself from his arms and managed a small smile.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," She greeted the no-doubt strange man, keeping an eye out for the one whom she had dubbed "Jack the Ripper." "My name is Jezebel Maddox."

"Oh yes we know that already~! We got a letter from the ninth." The peacock man (why did her remind her of a peacock? She did not know) exclaimed, grabbing her hands in his. "I'm Lussuria, but you can call me Big Sis~! That darling over there is Belphegor. We're so glad to have you here!" _'Wait, Belphegor as in Prince the Ripper?'_ Through all the information she read, she remembered looking up files on the most prominent members of the Varia, and Belphegor was one of those. _'He certainly lives up to reputation. Actually, now that I think about it, Lussuria was there too.'_ Wow, she was getting all the celebrities, wasn't she? Several minutes of hugging and oxygen depletion later, and the tall, flamboyant male (who insisted he be referred to as a woman) was dragging her through the halls, insisting that she must give her new guest an official tour of the Varia mansion.

"It's so nice to have you here~" Lussuria insisted on telling her as he showed her various rooms, including a ballroom and a kitchen. Damn, this place was _massive_. "It's nice to have a fellow female around. It can get so lonely dealing with all these men." The few servants and what appeared to be normal Varia personnel that they encountered in the halls always gave a respectful nod, bow, or curtsies to Lussuria, but all they did to Jezebel was blatantly stare in shock, and then that look transformed into one of pity. For most of the servants, the gaze they gave her was one that a commander gave his men when he knew he was sending them to their deaths. That tragic look of respect and guilt that she had witnessed in so many war movies. Which of course did nothing to soothe her fraying nerves.

Eventually, it got to the point where Jezebel was able to walk behind her tour guide rather than be dragged by her. As they walked down one of the outer halls, now on the second level, the silver-haired teen gazed out the massive windows that made up the far wall, impressed with the view. _'This place is amazing,' _She couldn't help but think. _'It would be wonderful to live here.. if it wasn't filled with crazies, of course.' _But while they might be insane and homicidal, she couldn't deny that the Varia had excellent taste.

"Hey, Lussuria, where are we-" The teen stopped short as she ran into her acquaintance, who was staring at something in front of him. Quickly her poking her head out from behind him, violet eyes met pale blue ones as she found herself staring at a rather attractive young man with flowing silver hair who stood in a rather large doorway. _'Damn that's some fine hair,' _She felt a twinge of jealously instantly, wishing she was able to maintain her own silver hair to the point where it was as soft and as silky looking as this man's.

"Squalo~" Lussuria called over, running to long-haired assassin that he seemed to be on friendly terms with. Though considering the man's flamboyant personality, the violet-eyed teen suspected that he was friendly towards damn near everyone he met, whether they liked him or not. But more importantly, the person he was talking to was apparently the Second Sword Emperor. _'Who was the first, then?' _She had read the file, but was he really so lou-

"VOIII!" Squalo shouted, causing Jezebel to cover her ears and wince. What the hell! Why couldn't he talk at a normal volume! Growling in annoyance as her ears rang, she glared at the offender, who returned her glare with one of equal venom. "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS!"

"She's Jezebel," Lussuria informed him, gesturing to the cringing teenager. "Our new secretary."

"Pleasure to meet you," She grumbled, fingers in her ears. Instead of responding, however, the silver-haired man approached her, looking the girl up and down as he circled her. To be completely honest, she felt as if she was a horse being examined for purchase, but decided not to open her mouth when she noticed the sword strapped to his waist.

'Doesn't look like Mafia," The man remarked, the sneer obvious in his tone of voice. As a former high-school student, she was vaguely reminded of the look some seniors had given her when she first entered as a freshman. She knew what they were thinking. _'Fresh meat'_

"Squalo," The oddly feminine man protested, noticing the look on his comrade's face. "You remember what the Ninth said! We're not allowed to hurt her!" Jezebel resisted the urge to nod at the man she now dubbed her new friend (after all, he seemed the be the only person interested in defending her from a group of people who obviously wanted to see _exactly_ what shade of red her blood was), seeing that Squalo was in much closer range to her than Lussuria was. So, if Squalo, whom she now decided to call "Rapunzel," decided that he didn't really care all that much about authority, she would probably be ran through with his sword before she could even ask what the hell was going on.

"VOIII!" _Again_ with the shouting. "SINCE WHEN DID WE CARE ABOUT WHAT THAT OLD MAN SAI-" Squalo stopped short as a glass came flying out of the room that he had been standing in front of hitting him on the head with a surprising amount of force, sending him flying to the ground. Jezebel said nothing, merely staring in shock at the shot glass that had done the deed.

"Oh boss~" Lussuria called into the room, addressing a person that Jezebel couldn't see. "I didn't know you were in there~!" _'That was the boss?'_ To be honest, she wasn't surprised. She had only met three people so far that she had actually conversed with, one of which was psychotic and wanted to kill her, one of which instantly adopted her as a little sister, and the last of which was _obnoxious_, to say the least. So why couldn't their boss be an alcoholic man who threw things at his subordinates? In fact, it seemed a bit _normal_ compared to the rest of them, but that little logical voice inside her head spoke again. _'What if he's just getting warmed up? Are you still going to go in there?'_ A serious question, indeed. But before she could come up with the answer, Lussuria had grabbed her arm and was pulling her into her room while calling out to his "boss," saying "I brought our new employee~". Looked like she didn't have a choice.

Violet met red as Jezebel froze mid-step, much like the way a herbivore did when it caught scent of one of its natural predators. An instant chill crept of her spine as she stared at the man... or should she say _boy_ that seemed to be the leader of the Varia. He sat in a rather large and seemingly comfortable sofa-like chair, his feet kicked up on what appeared to be his subordinate. This subordinate being a twenty-three-year-old, dark-skinned man with the weirdest facial hair and several odd facial piercings. This random man seemed like the kind of person that was easily forgotten about, but the part that creeped the hell out of Jezebel was the fact he had a look of utter bliss on his face. Like he _enjoyed_ being this boy's foot rest. And were those _umbrellas_ she saw strapped to his back? The boy in question instantly drew attention to himself with the air of authority he held, and looked mighty pissed off about something (if Jezebel had to guess, it was Squalo's shouting). But the more he stared at the boy that she swore was no more than sixteen, the older he looked. Especially his eyes, which were just brimming with a rage that was almost unchecked. In the few moments Jezebel stared at this young man, taking into consideration his expression and the fact he held a shot glass in one hand and a gun in the other, she was able to determine that he probably had a _serious_ anger management problem.

But it wasn't this "boss" that got a reaction out of the teen. Considering the people she had met earlier, he actually seemed to be pretty _normal_, despite the weird scars all over her face. Rather, it was the random, cloaked baby that literally _floated_ past its boss in a lazy manner, its hood keeping its face hidden. The psycho knife boy was tolerable, the flamboyant technicolor man was perfectly reasonable, and she could even accept the loudmouth, the angry kid-boss, and the loyal servant who looked like he could bend a person into a pretzel. But a floating _baby_? That's just _unnatural_!

"What the _fuck_?" Jezebel exclaimed, pointing at the airborne infant. "It's floating." The baby in question turned at the sound of her voice, and proceeded to float over, much to her horror. For some reason, she couldn't help but think of Metroids. _'The files weren't kidding when they were talking about babies!.' _She wished she had a flyswatter of some sort to bat the baby so it'd float in another direction, but she could only remain still as it floated up into her face.

"You," It spoke in a rather squeaky, childish voice. At least its voice fit its age; if the baby had spoke in the voice of a man or something, she would have screamed and hit it, mafia or not. "Give me a copy of all the financial papers you go through." Saying nothing, Jezebel nodded and the baby drifted out of the room, the teen watching it go. Then, after a few moments of silence, she spoke.

"Please tell me one of you guys saw that." Psychologists weren't supposed to go insane themselves, after all. Lussuria seemed amused at her comment, and laughed while patting her on the back.

"Don't worry, _sorellina_," He reassured her in a comforting manner, leading her further into the room as he pointed her at Xanxus. "That was Mammon. As long as you don't in between him and his money, he won't harm you... I _think_." _'Why thank you, that's __**totally**__ reassuring.'_ "You should introduce yourself~" Jezebel said nothing in response as she stared at new boss, who was actually _younger _than her. Well, physically, at least. According to the information (and baby/childhood pictures, though she'd never tell Xanxus that) she was shown by Timeto, there was an incident known as the Cradle Affair when Xanxus tried to overthrow him and take control of the Vongola family. So, like any parent, Timeto did the reasonable thing; freeze his son in a block of ice for eight years. To be completely honest, she didn't originally believe about the whole "Dying Will Flame" concept at first, until Nono's Rain Guardian, Schnitten Brabanters (who was known as "Schnitzel" to Jezebel) had shown her his. Long story short, the Ninth was quite amused to find "Schnitzel" covered in the foam from a fire extinguisher. So taking the Cradle Affair into consideration, she couldn't really hold it against the Varia boss to be so pissed of at Vongola Nono. After all, he remained trapped in ice for _eight years_. But looking at him... a huge load was lifted off her shoulders, because despite his "mental age," right now, she could see him as nothing more than an unruly brat with daddy issues. Of course, she'd never say _that_ to his face.

"I take it you're Xanxus," She remarked indifferently, shifting her weight to one foot as she folded her arms, resisting the urge to smirk. While she may not be as intimidated as she was before, she wasn't an idiot. That "boy," or anyone else in this room could easily kill her and dispose of her body, and no one but Timeto would be the wiser. And while she may find his age amusing, he certainly didn't, so it would be more productive to _not_ come off as an arrogant jackass. But then again, pulling the pansy card wasn't a bright idea either. So instead, she chose a median between the two: apathy. And seeing that Xanxus did nothing but raise an eyebrow, it appeared as if the plan was working. "I was sent here by the Ninth to deal with your apparently 'serious' problem when it comes to management of paperwork and the like. So from now on, I'll be working here." She bowed politely, then stood at full height again.

For a moment, Xanxus did nothing but stare at this newcomer. She was less feminine in her style and hygiene than Lussuria was, which he was thankful for. The last thing he needed was some _puttana_ running around. But her presence in the mansion was a problem; she was sent from the Ninth. Leave to that damned old man to try and screw up the Varia by sticking in some spy. But what had the boss of the Varia so pissed off about this "Jezebel person" was the fact she was just some helpless little lamb that had been thrust into the world of the mafia. When he had looked up the pathetic amount of information the Vongola had on this girl, he thought someone was trying to screw with him when her file mentioned that she had just entered the world of the mafia a mere two weeks ago. No previous combat experience, no shady dealings, nothing. It was like Timeto had run into this girl while on a stroll in the middle of the night. Hell, the fucking Vongola Brat Tsuna had more experience than she did. Was the Ninth fucking _senile_? If so, he needed to be removed from his position A.S.A.P. But in the meantime, Xanxus would take care of the little "spy" that Nono had given him.

"Che," He scoffed at her, much to her surprise. "Fucking trash." If she felt insulted, she didn't show it, and instead smiled a typical business smile. Well, at least she wasn't _that_ pathetic. The girl didn't even seem intimidated by the fact he had a gun in his hand, one that he was tempted to use at this moment. He lifted his feet off of Leviathan, motioning for the older man to stand.

"Take her to the archive room," Levi froze for a moment, torn. On one hand, he had just been given an order by his most illustrious and amazing boss, and as his most loyal subordinate, he would do anything for Xanxus. On the other hand, this slutty bitch had just sauntered in here with the _clear intention_ of seducing his most illustrious and amazing boss! For a moment, he contemplated killing her, but he knew that if she died, the Ninth would be "extremely disappointed," which was another way of saying all hell would break loose of she wound up dead. So for the moment, he would settle for hating her and making her life miserable.

"This way, _puttana_." Jezebel's polite smile faltered for a moment as the insult Levi threw at her reached her ears. For a moment, all fears and worried cleared her head as four single words ran though her mind.

'_Oh no you **didn't**_.'

"My deepest apologies, may you please be so kind as to repeat that?" Her voice was sickeningly sweet, like honey, but there was something odd about the tone. "I didn't quite hear you properly." Everyone else seemed to notice that strange sense of oddness except Levi, who walked right up into her face and grinned meancingly. Most would have been quivering in their boots at the sight of merciless leader of the Varia Lightning Strike Squad, but she seemed oddly calm

"I said you were a _puttana_." Her eyes seemed to spark with something dangerous, but Levi ignored it. After all, she was a civilian. What could she do?

"Call me that _one_ more time," Jezebel warned in an unusually calm voice, hand on her hip as she stared up at the man, rather unafraid. _'How much does he weigh..90kg? Who the hell cares.'_

"Putt-" Levi attempted to finish his insult, but was cut short by a sharp punch to the gut which effectively knocked the wind out of him. Before the Varia assassin was able to catch his breath Jezebel had grabbed the man's collar and hoisted him up in the air, her other hand on his belt as she held him like a battering ram over her head. The rest of the Varia members stared with something akin to shock (or in Xanxus's case, irritation) as she proceeded to run out the room with Leviathan over her head, before throwing him through one of the large panes of glass that made up the wall of the hallway outside, launching Levi into the air before he crashed down the side of the mansion. It was fortunate he was on the third level; instead of hitting the ground, the trees unwillingly caught him (if the trees had any say in the matter, they would have let him crash to the ground), the branches snapping under his weight as his fall was broken. And standing in front of the broken glass, panting for a few moments, was Jezebel, the looking almost as pissed as Xanxus.

"That's what you get for calling me a whore, bitch!" She shouted down at the now unconscious Levi. Wiping her mouth, she looked around for something to throw down at the man, but froze when someone called out her.

"Oi. Trash," The suddenly frozen teen turned slightly to see Xanxus, still seated in his chair, glaring at her. "You better be fucking paying for that." Normally, she would have nodded and played it out diplomatically, but at the moment her anger hazed over her reason, and instead she snapped in response.

"Take it out of my fucking paycheck, brat," She hissed, before turning and grabbing Squalo, who had been frozen in shock, by the hair. Xanxus twitched at her response, his grip on his gun tightening. Who the fuck dare call him a "brat?" Not waiting to get shot, she proceeded to drag the now protesting Sword Emperor down the hall. "Come on, Rapunzel, show me where this fucking archive room is."

"VOOIII!" It seemed that Squalo was now out of his momentary stun, and was back to his usual screaming. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING RAPUNZEL?" She didn't respond, marching down the corridors of the Varia mansion. As she turned around one corner and began to calm down, Jezebel began to realize _exactly_ what just happened and mentally groaned.

**Goal: **_Don't piss of the crazy people_ **Status: **_failed (miserably)_

While she wouldn't deny she hadn't gotten a deep satisfaction out of throwing Levi out the window and insulting Xanxus and Squalo, she was now quite sure she was going to die. Violently. Letting go of Squalo, she rubbed her temples and sighed deeply. _'This is the worst first day on the job ever. Of all time.'_ Looking up, the violet-eyed young woman was quite annoyed to find that Squalo had run off, deciding that avoiding her was better than getting his precious hair ruined. Her gaze went all around the hall as she a quick observation of her surroundings and quickly determined that she was now lost and without a guide.

_'Well, fuck.'_

* * *

><p>Ze end of chapter II. For some reason, I think I liked chapter one better. Oh well. Reviews are welcome! In fact, <em>please review.<em>


	3. The Calm Before the Shitstorm

**A/N:** **First thing's first, I owe you all an apology:** Considering how quickly I updated chapter II, chapter III kinda took a while. I mean, I'm posting it and it's freaking JUNE already. There's a reason for that, though. Most of Aprilh, I was in _China_, aka Fong's home. I visited Beijing, Xi'an, Shanghai, and Hong Kong. It was quite fun, but it meant that I couldn't bring my laptop so I couldn't work on this story. _so it's not like I forgot or anything_. But while I was there, I did buy 18 KHR chibi figurines, including Tsuna, Yamamoto, Gokuedera, Hibari, Ryohei, Xanxus, Dino, Squalo, Chrome, Mukuro, Adult!Lambo, and HDW!Tsuna. After my fun in China, I had an art competition , tests to take, a research project in Global and another in English, my grandma getting in a car accident, and seven finals. So I've been a bit busy (grandma's OK, btw).

And it's another chapter of Couches (my new nickname for this story)! Woo hoo! Again, I'm still freaking out with all the positive reactions. So this chapter I must thank xxyuu chan, kolulu100, Kohanita, yellowcardgirl13, Oenix, NothingNEverything, KyuubiDatenshiX, Kajishima, kamikorosuXP, and PsychedelicFlame, Dragonet-Dialga123, Swanfrost15, xXxDragonxPhoenixXx, inari92, Hufflepuff Mudblood, Shi Kage, AriaVaria, TheFeyRa, Ieroalice, Psychotetic, BarleyRice, and Autore Raita, for favoriting/subscribing, and TheParadoxicalOtaku, xXxIRISxXx, Swanfrost15, TheLazyOtakuWithTooMuchTime, TheFeyRay, and KHRLover1997 for reviewing. All of your positive reactions/feedback are very encouraging!

**Disclaimer:** KHR is not owned by me. Only Jezebel is mine. No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter. This is a work of fiction so any similarities between this story and its characters with that of events and real people is a coincidence. I also have no responsibility for any injures your sustain while reading this chapter.

**Note:** The Japanese superstition goes that if you sneeze without warning, then someone's talking smack about you.

**Final Note:** If you like this fanfiction, I suggest reading Allay Me by Thespianmoonmuzik. Her OC, Anima, is a amazing nerd (or as she likes to call her, "an intellectual bad-ass") and the story is very well written. It's also where I got the inspiration to write this story in the first place, so I feel the need to give credit.

* * *

><p><strong>In Which A New Couch is Required<strong>

**III : The Calm Before the Shitstorm  
><strong>

Squalo sighed with relief as he looked around to see that the silver-haired freak of a girl wasn't giving pursuit. To be honest, he was rather shocked, horrified, and impressed with Jezebel all at the same time. Shock was due to the fact she didn't seem like the kind of person to be able to pull off a stunt like that. Horror was at how much she just pissed of his boss. But he was still impressed; most _mafia_ would turn tail and run if they had a chance to when facing anyone in the Varia, especially the more well-known figures in the organization. But to volunteer for it? Whatever Nono promised her for coming here, it must be pretty important. Not to mention her strength was _inhuman_. Xanxus being a freak of nature was one thing, but she was just a nineteen-year-old girl. A nineteen-year-old British-American girl. Your average teen doesn't have that kind of power.

Now, while he may not seem like it, Squalo was actually a very logical person. While he did love to get mad and blow up in people's faces, he knew that when it came down to it, business was business. And to be honest, while he didn't fully understand why _Nono _of all people would involve a _civilian_ of all things with the Varia, he was beginning to see what possessed the old man to do so. After all, not many would have the audacity to call Xanxus a _brat_. Hell, he wouldn't call him a brat, no matter how much he wanted to some days. At the thought of her words earlier, he couldn't help but chuckle, but not before checking the area to see if anyone was in sight.

His moment of fun over, the swordsman's regular frown once again appeared on his face as he set off to where he came from, knowing that a mess awaited him. Stupid fucking girl with her stupid fucking insults. Now Xanxus was pissed as hell, something he confirmed when he heard a crash and explosion come from the living room the Varia had been seated in earlier.

The girl in question let out a frightful sneeze as she looked around for the umpteenth time, rubbing her nose in irritation. Did this place have to be so _massive_? What were the designers of this place thinking when they made it? It was so big she didn't run into anyone! _'But considering their tempers, I might not want to since I just had an altercation with one of their members and had a small disagreement with their boss.'_ "_Altercation"_ and "_small disagreement"_ were putting it lightly. Now that the adrenaline had faded, shock and terror were beginning to set it. She had thrown that man out the window. Out the fucking _window_. Just like that song by Trout Fishing in America.

Groaning as she grabbed a fistful of her hair, Jezebel looked around frantically. In her first day, she had already completed the following:

1. Attempted murder of a Varia assassin

2. Damage of Varia property

3. Insult to the head of Varia

Wow, she had gotten three-in-one. That was the grand prize, wasn't it? She slammed her head into the wall, which actually left a hole in it, much to her horror. _'SHIT.'_ Looking around frantically, she grabbed a statue and pulled it over cover the spot, not wanting to get in more trouble than she was already. This "first day" on the job was turning out to be pretty shitty, and she had an odd feeling that it would soon become her "last day." The thought of the massive hulk of a man coming after her was oddly terrifying, but not as much as the idea of dealing with Xanxus. Sure, Leviathan had been a total dick, to say the least, but at least he didn't have that homicidal, blow-up-a-whole-city-just-because-this-store-is-out-of-lemonade kind of rage that she saw in Xanxus. You didn't need to be a therapist to see that the kid needed some serious anger management help.

Hearing the sound of someone approaching, the new secretary jumped behind a large vase, trying to make herself as small as possible. Last thing she needed was some assassin, or worse, Levi, or even worse than that, Xanxus coming around the corner and decapitating or shooting her or poking her to death with what she swore to god looked like umbrellas or throwing a bottle of booze at her. Peeking around the corner, she breathed a sigh of relief to see a rather timid-looking young woman with auburn hair in a maid's outfit scurrying down the corridor very much like a mouse would. Emerging from her hiding spot, she sufficiently frightened the young maid, who almost dropped the tray of freshly polished silver she was carrying. The servant let out a startled cry and backed away in fear as Jezebel raised her hands to show she meant no harm.

"Hey, calm down," The violet-eyed maiden told the quivering form. "I'm not a psycho-assassin." The maid stopped shaking for a moment as she adjusted her wide-rimmed glasses, blinking in surprise. A casual smile spread across Jezebel's face as she continued. "I actually just started working here today, and I ended up getting a little lost." This seemed to calm the poor young lady down enough to smile softly, relieved that she hadn't run into one of her employers.

"Ah, you must be the new secretary," The maid said, realization lighting up her face. "I'll take you to the archive room. That's where you'll be spending most of your time. We put your room right next to it so you wouldn't get lost." Thankful, she followed the small maid as they went through the halls.

"I'm Sofia, by the way," The maid introduced herself as they went up a small flight of stairs, clearly reserved for the staff of the mansion. "I've been working here for two years now," She nodded to and greeted a pair of butlers as they passed by them. "Which is actually a bit long for this mansion. People here usually quit really fast, so we always have new faces. Some of the older people here stay, though, as they're loyal to the Vongola. But then again, we all are." Jezebel sighed.

"Can't exactly blame someone for not being able to tolerate this kind of working environment," She remarked, looking around as the pair walked through the halls. "With a bunch of people like that to work for, I'm surprised you all aren't mentally traumatized or something."

"Most of us are," Sofia casually replied as they rounded a corner. "Sometimes some of the members randomly kill servants just for the fun of it. Especially Leviathan and Belphegor. The Prince always says something about how we're unworthy, and Leviathan always accuses us of doing something against the boss." The auburn-haired maid shuddered for a moment, recalling an unpleasant memory. "We practically never speak to them, only saying something when we're told to." Jezebel stared at her, horrified.

"They _what_ ?" The teenager was shocked. She could understand attacking enemies, but randomly slicing up your staff! Now, Jezebel may have a temper, but that temper was often kept in check. Only a few things could really piss her off enough for her to attack someone, and there were a few things that bothered her enough to make her seriously want to _hurt_ or even _kill_ someone. Calling her a "whore" earns you one angry, bone-breaking young lady, but she hated pointless violence. Which was exactly what these guys were doing. Any sympathy for the man she threw out the window was now gone, as well as any respect."Assholes! You should fucking spit in their food." Sofia paled, appalled at the idea of doing such a thing.

"Good lord, no!" She exclaimed, drawing the attention of a few minor Varia assassins that were in the hall. The two ducked around the corner, speaking in hushed voices. "If we ever did something like that, we'd all die!"

"What are you talking about," The new secretary reassured her new-found, actually sane friend. "I threw that Levi-Jeans guy out a window, and I'm still walking." _'At least, until he regains consciousness and comes after me.' _Sofia stopped walking for a moment, unable to come up with words as she stared at her violet-eyed associate.

"You... did what?" Jezebel blinked for a moment.

"I threw Leviathan out a window." The poor girl looked like she was about to faint, so the silver-haired teen grabbed her and pulled her along. Had this been an anime or manga, Jezebel would have sworn she saw the maid's soul leave her body. A few minutes of walking later, and the shock began to wear off, and the official freak-out session began.

"How could you do that!" Sofia screeched at a volume that would rival Squalo. "You just can't do that! He's going to kill you! He's going to kill you so horribly! You're going to die and you haven't worked here for even an entire day! He's going to whip out one of those dreaded parasols and either electrocute or run you through with them! You- you-" She was beginning to hyperventilate, which Jezebel figured was a bad sign, so she urged the small maiden to sit down.

"Hey, calm down, calm down," _'Probably shouldn't have told her that.'_"According to the Tomatio, they're not allowed to kill me," Panic was then covered with confusion. "By Tomatio I mean Vongola Nono."

"But still-" The timid maid's next protest was silenced by Jezebel, who honestly didn't want the poor girl to have anything more on her plate than she already had do deal with.

"Hey, it's my problem anyway," The gears in her mind were already turning as she prepared for what she knew would be an attack from Leviathan, who no doubt wanted revenge for the attempt at human flight. But her options weren't looking good. She had read everything she could about Leviathan, and knew he was one of those kinds of assassins that wouldn't hesitate to kill any man, woman, or child for the Varia. And he had a puppy-dog-like devotion to his boss. So, no doubt he be pissed, and Jezebel wasn't some fancy main character of a shounen manga or a story or anything who suddenly could fight and defeat powerful enemies. She could just throw stuff when she got angry, and this time she made the mistake of throwing a person. And actually, she could of _killed_ him. The situation was not looking good. "So how about you just show me where this archive room is and then run for it, okay? I don't want him attacking you just because you're talking to me." Sofia was on the brink of tears, but she nodded and led the secretary to the door of the archive room.

"There's something you should know," Sofia commented as she pulled out a key to unlock it. "This room... hasn't really been used by people. All the members of the Varia ignore and avoid it. They hate paperwork. So it's a little..."

"Disorganized?" The new employee finished for her. The maid nodded, her reddish curls bouncing as she did so. With a sigh, she opened the door, failing to notice that Sofia took several steps back, almost like she was getting out of range of something. Had Jezebel noticed, she probably would have done the same, which would have prevented her from staring at a massive pile of papers that actually _fell over_ on top of her, burying the young woman in an avalanche of ignored paperwork. The scene was almost comical to observe, like something you would see in an episode of Looney Tunes or in a anime, but for the person now buried under papers, it was less than pleasant, to say the least.

Sofia quickly ran over at the sound of Jezebel's muffled cries for help, and given a few minutes of frantic clearing, the victim of the paper product attack was pulling herself out the pile and tumbling to the side, gasping for air and looked rather shocked.

"What. The fuck. Was _that!_" She exclaimed between heavy breaths, her chest rising and falling. Sofia said nothing as Jezebel's eyes ran up and down the pile that had attempted to smother her. "Is that _paperwork?_" Rising to her feet, she walked over to the pile, picking up one of the papers. A quick glance at the title, which read _Assassination Notice for Carlo Soranzo, _and she knew her fears had been confirmed. Almost timidly, she looked into the doorway, and into the room, and found herself staring at a literal _sea_ of papers, the various fallen stacks creating a mess that went up to the middle of her thighs. "How is this even possible?"

What poor Jezebel had failed to realize upon accepting her duty as a secretary was the fact that she had taken what was often considered the _worst_ possible job in a Mafia family. Everyone, including mafia bosses themselves, avoiding paperwork whenever they could, and the entire mess would be left to none other than the secretary to deal with. Most mafia secretaries died young, even by mafia standards, their usual cause of death medical complications related to stress and infections from paper cuts. Few people ever became secretaries, meaning the paperwork was more than often left to the boss of the family, who would often ignore it and stash it away. After all, who but a psycho-baby hitman would have the nerve to force a _mafia boss_ of all people to do something as hated as paperwork? The answer: no one (save for the psycho baby hitman posing as a spartan-like tutor, but Jezebel doubted any of those could exist).

Which of course was why Jezebel had so much shit to deal with right now. Shit in paper form, no less. Actually, speaking of "shit," Jezebel suddenly remembered that she had an angry assassin that would be no doubt coming for her. '_How could I forget, exactly?'_ Part of her wanted to just scream and dive into the pile to hide for a few hours, but she wouldn't be surprised if he set all the papers on fire or something looking for her. Not only would that kill her, but it would also make her job near impossible. But she couldn't exactly face him, either. After all, he was an assassin. He killed people for a living. And she had thrown him out a freaking _window_. It seemed that for now, her best bet would be to wait for the man to calm down enough where he could rationally think, and then sort out her differences with him then. So how exactly could she go about avoiding this fellow... suddenly, an idea popped into her head. It was a weird-ass idea that probably came from watching _Home Alone_ and _Looney Tunes_ too much, but if she approached it realistically... it might buy her enough time to hide.

"Hey, Sofia," The girl in question raised her head. "I need you to get some things for me. You might want to make a list." Sofia nodded and pulled out a pen and paper, listening closely. Taking a deep breath, Jezebel began to list the items she needed. "I'm going to need a rubber-band ball, several large boxes, a roll of twine, some string, a mannequin or a statue bust, some silver spray paint, a mop, a broom, a cart, some duct tape, canola oil, a lighter, some powdered milk..." She continued to list a dozen or so more items before sending Sofia off, who rushed down the halls to get the materials Jezebel requested. The secretary, not alone, looked back to the papers and sighed. Those damned pyschos really left quite the mess for her, didn't they? At least it left her something to do while she waited for the maid to return with the materials she would need to hopefully secure her survival in this place. Well, survival for the next 24 hours at least.

* * *

><p>The "psychos" in question all sneezed in unison back at the living room where Jezebel had made her "stellar" first introduction, though it looked a lot messier than before. The walls were riddled with bullet holes and several paintings ceased to exist. The wall-paper was peeling in some places while in others it was all but burnt off. Several couches were now ruined, some of their stuffing falling out of gaping holes in the cloth, and more than one table was broken. To be honest, it looked like a war zone, and seeing that Bel was hiding in the rafters, Lussuria was pressed against the wall trying to make himself as small as possible, and Xanxus was standing over the unconscious body of Squalo (who had arrived just in time for an ass-kicking), one foot on the poor swordsman's black and holding a gun in both hands, it probably <em>was<em> a war zone.

"She shouldn't have called the boss that," Bel commented, still too terrified to even do his typical "Ushishishi" laugh. _'When I get a hold of that peasant..' _The boss in question merely glared at his Storm Guardian, who held up his hands in surrender. It seemed, however, that he had blown off enough steam, and Xanxus merely muttered a few vulgar words (in various languages) and kicked Squalo a few times before he sat back down in his favored chair, the only piece of furniture that was not harmed in any way during the one-sided fight (which, given the situation, seemed more like a slaughter). Squalo himself let out a weak "voi" and rolled over with a groan, attempting to pick himself up only to be knocked back down again as a now-empty bottle of alcohol hit him in the head. Giving up, he just laid there on the ground, watching his boss with one eye closed as he attempted to determine if Xanxus had calmed down enough. Lussuria watched with wary eyes as well, every-so-slowly inching towards the door in case he needed to make a break for it. Bel looked down from the rafters, clinging onto the chain of the chandelier for support. It seemed as if the eyes of the entire world were on Xanxus, waiting, watching for a sign that it was O.K. to breathe.

Xanxus grunted and opened another bottle of Tequila.

All was well.

The assassins in the room all let out a collective sigh of relief as Xanxus flicked his hand, signalling the servants who were waiting around the corner to come into the room and clean up his mess. The sixteen-year-old didn't so much as acknowledge their existence while the servants silently began to restore the room, not making eye contact with any of their violent superiors. In fact, it was hard to even notice the ninja-like maids and butlers and the like as they quickly did their job, even though there were at least a dozen in the room. But there was a reason for this.

The staff of the Varia Mansion had a system to dealing with these messes without getting casualties themselves; don't get noticed. It began as a survival trait for working in the mansion and eventually turned into an art form. Dozens of Varia servants could be in the the same room as you and you just wouldn't notice them. On the rare occasions that the Varia hosted an event, guests would often be shocked to find their glasses refilled and their plates replenished with food right when they were feeling like having some more, and never even noticing who did so. This skill is considered another element of the legendary "Varia-Quality" that people know only too well, and does wonders to remind a rival family just how bad of an idea it is to attack the Varia Mansion.

So as these silent servants did their work (all silently praying that no one would decide to kill them), the four members of Varia in the room went back to their normal routine. Bel came down from the ceiling and began fiddling with his knives as he made himself comfortable on a less-damaged couch, Squalo picked himself off of the ground and began tending to his hair, and Lussuria cooed softly and went to leave the room. His intention was on finding Jezebel and speaking to her about how dangerous it was to insult her new boss, but before he had the chance the peaceful, desperately needed silence was interrupted by loud footsteps that made the floor seem to shake. Squalo rolled his eyes as in barged the greatest victim of Jezebel's wrath: Leviathan. He was still slightly dishevelled from his fall, and a few of his many piercings were missing, seemingly ripped out when they were caught in branches. His normally perfect hair was getting frizzy as well, twigs and leaves and the such poking out in random directions. Eyes brimming with hated and fury scanned the room for any sign of his attacker, but instead he saw the damage done to the room and gasped.

"Boss!" Leviathan almost screeched, dropping to his knees in front of his beloved and currently unamused superior. "I apologize for my failure! Please allow me to make up for it!" Before he even had a chance to "approve" or "disapprove" of whatever Leviathan was talking about, the man continued. "I will not let her get away with such a crime! She will pay for this! How dare she do such a thing to your mansion and to you!"

... wait, what?

Before the other members of the Varia could even blink in shock at their Lightning comrade, he had run out the door, and was out of sight, storming off somewhere (but due to his previous statement, one could suspect he was going to find Jezebel). They attempted to process what exactly Levi had said... and it almost sounded like he believed she had done all the damage to this room. But hey, that was impossible, right? Because if one looked around, one could obviously see that there were bullet holes in the wall, and Jezebel had no gun (that they knew of, at least). So one would have to be a total _idiot _to think that she would...

Wait.

Leviathan **was** an idiot.

_Shit._

Lussuria immediately looked concerned and Squalo and the Prince face-palmed in unison. Xanxus merely took another swig of Tequila and ignored them. The three assassins quietly made their way to the door with a groan, knowing that they would end up having to hold Leviathan back from killing Jezebel. While to some, boldly saving someone's life like that would be considered almost heroic, to the members of the Varia it was an inconvenience and a hassle. But, it had to be done. Because while they feared the anger of Xanxus, there was only one person who's wrath they feared even more: Vongola Nono. And he had left clear instructions requiring that this "Jezebel" person remain unharmed, as she was a "friend of the family" or something ridiculous like that. What does that mean? It meant that if the teen got so much as a papercut and complained about it, they'd have one angry Vongola boss ready to make their lives miserable. Even Xanxus, despite his hatred for the old man, didn't want to make him mad, which was the only reason that Jezebel hadn't been shot when she worked up the nerve to call him a "brat." It was also why Bel, Lussuria, and Squalo were now running down the halls like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion off to save Dorothy (Jezebel) from the Wicked Witch of the West (Leviathan).

Xanxus watched them go, swirling his favored alcoholic beverage in his hand as he did so. He was glad to get them out of the room and out of his hair. To be honest, he still felt like shooting something, but right now it would only lead to more trouble later. So he'd wait until the current situation was resolved, and then he and this 'Jezebel' woman would have a little 'chat.' Upon thinking about it, the Varia boss smirked maliciously, sending shivers up the spines of the silent servants of the mansion. Silently, they prayed for this woman, wishing that Levi would hurry up and kill her before Xanxus decided to get up. Because if she wasn't dead now, then they were sure Xanxus would make her wish she was.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **There we go, chapter three is done~! And now for a little omake-like thingy. Oh, and on a final note, I was wondering if anyone wanted to beta this story to catch all my grammar mistakes. I also think it'd help me keep this thing updating more frequently. If you're interested, PM me.

* * *

><p>Reborn sighed as he watched his student sleep. Dame-Tsuna had grown a little bit with the end of the battle with the Varia, and his combat would be improved with the ring, but there was still a <em>lot<em> of work that needed to be done. He was still, after all, _Dame_-Tsuna.

The cursed infant's attention was grabbed by a knock on the door of the Sawada household. He knew who was there. Quietly opening the door, he was greeted respectfully by a member of the Vongola family, who handed him a rather thick Manila folder. Ah, he was waiting for this. Apparently Nono had found something, or rather some_one_, interesting during his time in London. Someone who could hopefully make future relations between Tsuna and the Varia a bit easier, something that Reborn would be grateful for (though he wouldn't admit it, the Varia were rather annoying to deal with as they were now). With a nod of thanks, Reborn took the folder and shut the door, jumping onto the kitchen table and opening the folder up and pulling out the first document inside.

_'Hm... Jezebel Periwinkle Maddox. Interesting name. But let's see just how useful she can be.__'_


End file.
